Days dry January lasted: 2.5
Weight: x – 6lb
(better)
Tinder accounts deleted: 1
Famous people rented to: 2
Epic fails playing old-school Worms: at least 18
Cost of 2 Domino’s pizzas on New Year’s Eve: £3.27 (epic
win)
New reasons to prefer Hampshire to London: 1 (added to
the growing list)
Once again, it’s been too long since I last blogged. And
in those 2 months, quite a lot has happened.
We’ll start with who we’ll call The Elbow-Licker- the
catalyst that finally persuaded me that my Tinder account had to go. With
nothing better to do on a Thursday night, I agreed to meet said man for a drink
in a pub behind our office. I suppose I
could describe him as an ex-Army Lad. After one G&T, some stifled yawns and
a bit of awkward leaning against the bar, I tried to work out how to politely
decline a second drink. But then I felt
guilty so I accepted a glass of wine and grabbed a couple of seats nearby. Somehow, for a reason I can no longer fathom,
we ended up with tequila. He disappeared
to the loo, and I sat for a moment wondering why I was still there. I hadn’t had dinner, and helped by being a
complete lightweight, I was well on the way to becoming mildly piddled. I’ll leave when he gets back, I thought. He took a while. Just as I began to wonder
what could possibly be wrong with his digestive system, another glass of wine
miraculously appeared before me. Great, now I was stuck there for another 20
mins at least. This was when things
really went downhill. ‘I bet you a whiskey
I can lick my own elbow,’ he proposed. Of all the little spatterings of conversation
that could apply to a first date, I wasn’t sure this was the right way to
go. It certainly wasn’t pushing my
buttons. Foolishly, I accepted. So in
the middle of the pub, he shrugged off his blazer, promptly dislocated his
shoulder and grappled with himself. Low
and behold he licked it. It wasn’t a pretty sight. If I wasn’t put off by now,
there was now no doubt about it. But
still, a bet is a bet. I bought him the whiskey, and he explained how he did
it. ‘I’m double-jointed and dislocated my shoulder, also I have a really long
tongue, I can even suck my own ****’ He grinned and disappeared once more to
the loo. I sat frozen in my chair for
one second, then grabbed my coat and ran out of the door. I honestly don’t know what possessed me to do
such a thing, but I couldn’t bear the thought of any goodbyes and talk to you
soons etc after that comment. Anyway, my heart thumping and terrified he’d come
after me, my phone buzzed: Well that was rude, thanks for leaving my stuff unattended…I look forward to the next blog
post… So that was that, goodbye
Tinder and good riddance.
Work recently has yielded some surprises, one of which
was letting a flat to Adam Ant. Now, I
had no clue who this pirate-esque individual was, but it caused great
excitement in the office and my mother’s friends. If you’re still reading this with a blank
expression on your face, he’s been described as the One Direction of the
1970-80s. How times have changed. Anyway, nice guy, huge dog (French Mastiff)
and happy people all round.
Christmas came and went with unforeseen chaos, resulting
in Boxing Day being far more enjoyable than Christmas Day itself. A bit of hockey fun on the sunny, crisp
Boxing Day morning was one of the festive highlights, and hugs from a tall dark
handsome hockey boy didn’t go amiss either, but that’s another story… suffice
to say I’m smiling again and London seems even further from home than ever. Bring
on the weekends.
